well if i'm not sure..

i won't do it?

PAH.

Sometimes, i wish people would be more like me. Not in an arrogant way, i'm a bitch, if everyone was like me the whole world would be a warzone. Just in how i always jump at any oppurtunity, i don't understand how people can live with the 'what if's'?! This reckless behaviour will probably be my downfall, as i always find it hard to say: no. I just don't understand? To me, if there's even a 1% chance that something may work, i'll put myself on the line to try it.

Don't get me wrong, i love you. I also love how we're having this conversation right now, becuase i wouldn't want to have it with anyone else. I also love how when you read this, it won't matter cos we're that close. But for god sake, get some balls justin.

And another note. You don't realise just how much you mean to me. It's like a mother, daughter relationship, and as all children do, they take their parents for granted. I think it's because you're the person who over the past 5 years has seen me at my highest, and seen me hit rock bottom, i know i could trust my life with you. That's not really good enough though, and it's about time i started giving something back. I will, i promise.

oh, why thank you.

'i like you emily, you're really cool, no seriously, you have this aura about you, you're just so effortlessly cool!'

that is honestly the nicest compliment i've had in a long time (L)

the invention of lying.

imagine if everyone told the truth, all the time.
how amazing would that world be!?
i don't think anyone would ever get hurt, cos everyone would know the truth, all the time.
it'd be like a land of rainbows and leprechauns.

'I'M IRISH AND YOU CAN'T EAT POTATOES'
'I'M AUSTRALIAN AND YOU CAN'T EAT KANGAROO PENIS'
'WELL HE'S AN ARAB'
'NO I'M NOT'
'YOU'RE AN IRAQI'
'EXACTLY.'

hands down, the best conversation i've had so far in 2010.

wanting to be something else?

anything but myself.
i don't know what i want to do with myself. cry with laughter, or cry with pain. there's so much i wish i could take back, so many mistakes i wish i could erase. but tonight was a defining moment. it's time to pack up and leave. tonight i realised just how much some people mean to me, and how little others can mean. you were my mountain. you were my sea. i made you so much, and i didn't even realise it; until you left. now you're no longer my mountain, and definitely not me sea. i may wish you were, but god doesn't exist, and neither do fairies and all those other crack heads that may try and make my life so amazing, so no amount of wishing or praying or just general hoping is gonna change a thing. so deal with it bitch.

i think now, i realise that i don't belong with someone. i was so emily gardiner. i was so the girl that would be in the middle of everything just having a good old party, not giving a shit what anyone thought, i didn't think twice about the consequences, to me it was all just a bloody good laugh. tonight i caught a bit of the old me. and my god, i've missed it. i've missed what i was, i was so carefree and spirited; nothing could break me. i gave that all up for you, and look where it got me. i'm not going to get into a relationship for a long time, you may think that it's the happiest time, but tbh, we all know that's a load of bullshit. the hurt afterwards is never ever worth it. not yet anyway. no one is going to make me feel like i'm nothing. ever again.

so, so what? i'm still a rockstar, i got my rock moves, and i certainly don't need you. have fun. cunts.

cunt* is the best word in the english language. i'm not gonna lie there. i love you language maker.

this could be life changing?

somehow, i don't think it will be.
I look back over the past few years, i always think about them. I think about all the decisions i've made, the romances embarked on, the mistakes that were my downfalls, the nights that i hope will stay with me forever, the friends i've found, the friends i've lost, the people that have inspired me, the tears cried and the emotions felt.


I think alot of who i am today, comes down to one decision i made on May 27th 2007.


Yes, i am completely and utterly aware that to still know this day is slightly crazy if not a little bit sad. That simple decision, i can still remember it as clear as day. Sitting on a bench in town, with two of my closest friends, the persuasion of my mother, the tickets hurriedly paid for, the outfit changes, the butterflies; i was going somewhere new. I met someone here, someone i know i will never forget. I know i talk about it all the time. But it literally scares me to think where i'd be if i hadn't made this decision. Maybe our paths would've crossed anyway? Who knows. However i do know, that meeting this person changed me in so many ways, i'm not totally sure how he did it. I think i was just ready to change, to be something new.


If i hadn't met this person, then i wouldn't have a whole group of friends, i wouldn't know the people that i have shared so many of the nights i don't want to ever forget. I wouldn't know one of my bestfriends? I wouldn't have learnt, i wouldn't be so brilliantly aware as i'd like to think i am now. I wouldn't have half the confidence i have now, i wouldn't actually believe that i am worth something. If i hadn't of thought all those things about myself, then maybe i wouldn't have the other friends i hold so dear.

It made me realise how it's not the 'life changing' decisions that will actually change your life, it's the simple ones that you're not even aware that you're making that will count. I owe you so much. You know i do, because i've told you, and you smiled, gave me a hug and said 'you're welcome'.


It also made me see that i have so much to look forward to, because what seems to important now, will one day be so amazingly irrelevant. It's a weird thought, but will i even know half of the people i spend my weekends with ten years from now? I hope so. Though i also hope someone else has whisked me up and changed me all over again. Maybe it'll happen tomorrow, maybe in a year. Who knows. No one can ever know, that's what makes life so exciting.

oh if only micheal buble wrote the bible.

And then i'd get scouting for girls to be the disciples.

I think they'd write a bloomin' fantastic bible for everyone to follow, fuck the 10 commandments, your songs make so much more sense!

now there is one outstandingly important fact about this spaceship planet Earth, and that is that no booklet came with it

-buckminster fuller

I wish someone had. I really desperately want someone to come up to me, and shake my shoulders, look me right in the eyes and say 'it's all going to be alright, don't worry chook'. The thing is no one is going to do that. I wish someone had written a set of strict instructions on how to get over someone. Though recently, i've been looking back and realising what a dick i was to people. In the past, i've treated people with so much inconsideration, just walked all over them, but not thought twice about the fact that it may actually be hurting them. I've opened my eyes to how i treat people, and some of my actions, but most especially to the people i miss. The people that i let go. Oh, so foolish. I'm going to get these people back, and cling on to them, one in particular. You're never ever going to read this, but i am so so sorry for how i treated you.

I wish someone would come along and tell me how to get my coursework done, how to write it just to the moderators liking, how to manage my time, how to not leave it to the night before and have a breakdown, that's never fun. But i feel like i'm drowning in this huge pit of textbooks, and i need to swim, because that one stroke could determine the rest of my life.

the future has a way of arriving unannounced

- george will

I cling on to that quote with eager fingers. This time last year, i didn't even know of the people i would call my best friends, i didn't even know half of them existed. Now i don't know what i'd do without them? Though, i would still like a change, i want to move on. Not lose the people i hold so dearly now, but find new people who i can hold equally close. I think it's a magical thing to believe that maybe tomorrow i will bump into someone who could change my life. All it takes is one moment in time, one night, one gaze caught, a smile exchanged; a bestfriend found. This thought makes me think that moving 6th form is going to be the best thing for me next year, i love you all so much, i really do. I need somewhere new though, somewhere where no one knows me, no one has any expectations, i don't have a reputation. I'm just Emily Gardiner. Let's see where that takes me.

give us a wave?

hello. hey. hiyyaaaa. you alright? how's it hanging? wagwunn. safe safe. bonjour. guten tag. ciao. hola. g'day. aloha. salem. salve. jambo.

pick one. put it in a text. can you do that for me?

kicking it.

I think i'm going to become an unsocial smoker. It makes my breath smell.

inspiration needed.

I just spent an hour, blu-tacking train tickets to my wall. I just spent an hour not doing my coursework. It's not that i can't do it, i know what to write, i just can't be bothered.
Coursework, i hate you, like a fat kid hates cucumber.

free falling

This weekend is one of the reason's why i think school is worthwhile, for the two days full of absolute fun. It makes me so thankful that i'm only sixteen, and have nothing to care about at the end of the day. Think life's tough now, wait til you have a job, tax, a home to run and children to look after.....fuck that!

Friday. Took literally an hour to walk to the lakes, i'm not even sure how we managed it? I came with no alcohol, but left with a can. Two of my closest friends came, and that makes me happy. The walk home consisted of taking the piss out of a deaf person and a foreigner. Someone almost set their foot on fire, the same person did set their cardigan alight. I found my lighter, even though it's going into the memory box, it still made my night. 'we put all these white people on to a plane.....and blow them all up!'. Seeing someone fall headfirst into the mud. Skanking down the lakes, i don't know what it is, but those waters release the diva in me! Seeing an old friend, even though seeing him is twinged with sadness; so i wear his jumper every moment i can. Stupid, i know.

Saturday. I spent a few hours in my kitchen avec Tilly, making a cake and dancing to capital gold, and then realising what losers we are for knowing all the words, and then decided we didn't care anyway. I spent the day with someone with someone who really confuses me, whenever i think about you, it's like a big fat question mark just goes up in front of me? You were the definition of a prick, now i don't know what you are? I could spend all day with you, trying your hardest to explain the matrix to me, pulling me in for the hugs i said i liked, licking my cheek, eating my chocolate spread out of the jar, tickling me out of the corner, pushing down my phone after i've written a long text, taking butterz pictures of me because you think it's funny, running down the road to try and get to the two drains first, actually meeting my friends! You promised me you will be better this time and that you won't hurt me. There's still something that is stopping me from trusting you, i don't know what it is, though i'm not sure it matters. I like you.

Where i ended up however, was the last place i thought i'd be, but it was different, it was nice, it felt like the calm after a storm. Obviously there will always be a soft spot, but i think it's all going to be okay now.
Felix's was ultra amusing, as felix's always is, the cakes, the beer, the summer house, the irish dancing, the guitar sing song and the pot banging. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Sunday. Dom+Dan+Sarah+early hours of the morning = amazing conversation. We have now decided how the world will end, and made some cracking jokes on the way. I walked into town with someone that i never thought i would be able to have a decent chat with, but it turns out we can. It's nice. And now, i'm sitting on my bed, already have my pyjamas on, have a cup of tea, and a plate of smiley faces. This is exactly what Sunday's are made for. I love life right now. I don't want to think about everything that's coming up in the next year, i'm just going to enjoy this moment of calm.


Though tbh, i doubt any of you wanted to know what i did this weekend. But you know now anyway; enjoy.

typical.

I really don't dislike you. In fact, i really like you. I really want to be your friend, but there's something, ever since the beginning that has always prevented it from happening, and i don't know what it was? I think, it may be, because we're quite similar in very different ways. I think it's a real shame, because i think we'd really get on. Things are never that simple though i guess.

excitement.

someone completely and utterly new has just walked into my life.
they don't know me.
they know nothing of me.
they don't know my friends.
they don't know every single action i've made.
or every stupid decision, or embarrassing moment.

and there are no words to describe how excited i am!

i'm leaving and not looking back.

You did not think when you sent me to the brink.

Today made me really sad, but also happy. I sat in my piano lesson, and looked at my teacher, except i didn't see my teacher, i saw a friend. It's only today that i realised that over the past 5 years, every monday for an hour, i spent my life in this room.
I cried in that room, i laughed, i poured my heart out. This man knows me better than the majority of my friends. One of the only people i can gladly cry in front of, let the tears stream down my face, he knows more about my life than pretty much everyone.

It makes me really sad to think that next year this will just be a memory. It makes me happy that this person has taught me something, and i will carry it on. From now on i will express myself completely in this instrument because it's amazing how much you can feel from something that has no words. Call me a loser but i like listening to classical music. It won't change to conform with the 'teenage generation' either.
Maybe this sounds weird, to be close to a teacher? But i couldn't care about that either.

intelligence.

For someone who's sposed to be so clever, i'm a right fucking idiot.
I think with my heart and never with my head.
That will be my downfall.

wake up.

Take a look around and what do you see? I hope you're not proud of yourself, because i'm not proud of you. The man i once admired has gone, and someone has sent down a replacement. To be perfectly honest, this feeble replacement they've sent is the definition of pathetic. Everything you once were lost to a bottle of dry white wine and twenty Rothmans SuperKing please. It once made my day, to rush out to the car at half past six, wait with anticipation because i knew in a matter of minutes i would be seeing someone i loved so deeply, the pinstripe suit, breifcase, shoes so bright i could see my reflection. I'd wait patiently to hear about a story from your day and sit with wide eyes as i'd hear tales of the big city, and it filled me with awe and this unexplained wanting.


Now i look at you, and your cure to life 'a drop of whiskey and a cigarette'. I feel sick that i ever wanted to be anything like you, you've ruined this family, and you don't even know it. You can't even see past the haze to see the damage you've caused, i will never hate someone as much as you, but i will never ever love someone as much as you.
The sad thing is, that i look under my bed, see my packet of mayfair and my own bottle of dry white wine. I'm not sure what that says? Maybe i can't help but get drawn in to the addictions, i know i don't have the power to stop now. I hope i will soon though, because you are everything i don't want to be. I'm sorry.

love.

I really find it frustrating when people say that teenagers can't fall in love. I'm not saying i have, because i don't think i have, not completely. Just, it's a proven fact that teenage love is the most passionate, violent and heartfelt, simply because none of us has any idea how to control our emotions, any one of us will know that our hormones are all over the place. I'm not saying it's the best love, actually it's rubbish love. It doesn't last long, because love is fickle so young, it's not the sort of love where you I will settle down, marry, buy a house and have some kids. But it is still love. If the love i can have now is going to be the most intense i plan to fall in and out of it plenty of times, and feel myself drowned by everything because i want to look back in fifty years and say i felt it all.

dear diary.

I had a really good day today. I laughed, i cried because i was laughing. I woke up with a smile on my face because i had an unopened text. I enjoyed my German lesson, that consisted of me screaming every time someone tried to touch me. I liked maths, because i enjoy the numbers and i like talking to Maggie, because she understands how my mind works. Chemistry was amusing, because now Mrs Asante actually knows my name. Geography was hilarious, because i spent an hour passing notes about an arab, a goat, small eyes, and shaun of the dead. I didn't appreciate having to pay £3 for my overdue library books though. I did however like sitting in McDonalds talking to two amazing people, and having a mouth orgasm over ketchup and bbq sauce. I liked looking at my phone and seeing a text from someone i like. I made a new friend today, and like to think that these new people are a look to the future. I played the piano and felt something. I spoke to someone i loved, and realised i don't love them anymore. This made me happy. I found a new band on youtube, and now have them on repeat, but i am too selfish to share them with anyone yet. I have a plan for tomorrow, and i am looking forward to parent's evening, because i want to know what i can do to make myself better and i don't care how sad that is. I sat down and wrote out a timetable, a to do list, so i have a structure, and feel safe in that. I am looking forward to the boys night this friday, i am looking forward to meeting someone for the first time, i am looking forward to everything, but I'm going to appreciate every mundane moment that passes my way while i'm waiting for this great explosion.

homecoming.

Someone is about to return into my life, though they never completely left it, it felt like they had. I said i wouldn't let them do it. I said that because they abandoned me, i wouldn't let them back in, now that what i said would happen all along, is now finally happening...

...i should probably get serious.
This person could fuck me over much worse than what he's done and i would still forgive him. I'd still let him back in, put some smileys in the oven, and shove on Forrest Gump, because it's not just my best friend, its my brother that left me. I think i owe him this one. After everythng he's put up with in the past 2 years, i'm gonna let this one slide.

I'm really excited for it! Don't let me down this time.

oh how you tease me.

I would like to inform whoever it is, whatever power there is out there, that i am not a cat. I don't appreciate you dangling a mouse above me, waiting for me to catch it's gaze, wiggle into position, and leap. As if, that moment is the last moment i will ever live, only to discover that in actual fact, i will never meet my target. I will always nose dive straight back to the floor.
One day i will trick you. You won't see it coming. That mouse is mine.

statement.

i am not a racist. those girls are just really annoying.

we are arguing for abortion...

...or maybe against god. who knows?
t: when it comes to arguing, it's hard to top us, let's be honest.
e: okay, so we are sitting in IT1, and i am actually scared for my life. I don't like the ghetto people, or the fat people. But i do appreciate maggie pushing the fat, black people. And yes, isobel will die.
t: casual racism is fun. But I have to agree, they always decide to get rude in odd places. Had a lovely argument with the hoodrats next to the long jump sand pit. They got owned. But yes, Isobel is in for a world of verbal pain. Bring on the debate baby.
el: there's only bloody polish people in here too.
m: she's not writing, but she's saying she's not racist.
e: i'm saying she's a liarrrrrrrrrrrr.
t: maggie is more racist then the KKK, let's be honest. I wish people would learn how to use indoor voices, all the brapping hurts my ears.
el: 'WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?'
t: 'did you just look at someone and say that?'
e: eloise is being racist to a dear friend, i don't appreciate that behaviour.
t: yeah, tick is a freedom fighter not a terrorist. get it straight.
e: SAY SORRY YOU LITTLE COW. i slightly fear for my life now. eloise is crawling under the table to try and turn the people's power supply off. we are truly fighting the man........she got caught. and taken prisoner of war.
t: luckily thanks to her elongated lobe they probably think shes one of them. They also probably think she's a lesbian. I suppose they're at least partly right, she was basically up their skirts. any excuse.
e: i am proud of my girl, she is going back to fight the war....or not. the pussy. we suspect they are looking at porn. now they're talking about rape, i can't take much more.

mumford.

I think mumford and sons are one of the best bands i've come across in a really long time. I listen to their album on repeat for hours, i can't remember the last day i haven't played 'little lion man'. The lead singers voice is really heartfelt, and i especially think the banjo player is very talented.

Oh and, clearing out your room is fantastic, in the past hour i've come across so many things, and looked back with a smile. I really have had a fantastic time so far, i can't wait for life to really get started.
That is all i have to say.

will i ever.

i will always love you. it will always be you.
i will look back, and it will always make me sad.
but i'm happy with what i've got.

it's not who you'll think it's about. or maybe it is, and you all know me better than i thought.

i'll be just fine. so here's to moving forward.

And it's not your fault but mine, and it was my heart on the line?


Someone told me something today that made me feel like someone had stabbed me. That tingling feeling that seems to rise from your feet to your head, and your stomach tightens and you look up to hold the tears back. So i resorted to telling Isobel to fuck off for the next half an hour.
People's natural defence mechanisms interest me. I used to bottle things up, and no one would have a clue what i was thinking, now i think people know too much? I've become like a book, you can read me far too easily, everyone knows exactly what i'm thinking, everyone can tell how much i'm hurting. I used to think it was good, healthy even, to wear your heart on your sleeve.
Now my heart's been scratched, scraped, bruised and poked. Though so far, i don't think it's been broken, not yet anyway. All of this happened, because i didn't keep it in a safe place, i didn't keep it to myself, so i only have myself to blame for being so careless. I want to go back to keeping things quiet, not letting things out, putting on a fantastic show of making sure no one knows what is really going on inside.

The things that hurt you most aren't the things you can see, it's the things you don't even know are there.

the mystery of ict.

So, despite the fact my mum said i can have the day off. Even though i could be snuggled up in bed with a cup of tea right this moment, instead of sitting in ICT making buttons about how to recycle for England, something i am convinced will never help me in my life: i am so glad i'm here.
It feels like my day hasn't been wasted, and that there is some kind of structure to my life? I like how there's not many people here, so everyone is more at ease, i like how pretty the snow is, and how much fun it's created. I don't remember the last time i actually looked forward to walking the long way round to a science lesson, and i certainly don't remember when i last actually wanted to go to German?
I find it funny how much chaos the weather can cause, and i can only imagine the conversation this white wonder has caused. For once, i really can ask someone about the weather?! And i was slightly upset to realise that the highlight of my day was either someone's bag being spat on, or realising that the school has finally invested in an internet explorer with tabs. I can truly say, that today, my life is average. But i sure as hell wouldn't want it any other way.

second chances.

I once thought that there was no such thing as second chances, because a leopard doesn't change its spots. Then i realised that i changed, so surely other people can too? Today i went to see someone that i swore i would never forgive, i hated this person, but as usual time cures everything. I decided that maybe for the first time in a long time, i'd give someone another chance. I went expecting the worst, expecting to come out and have everyone say 'i told you so', and feel completely deflated. I was proved so so wrong. I had a really nice day, and i found myself thinking 'is this the same person?'. It felt nice being held, funny having my cheek licked, i loved having my laugh ripped and the fuzzy feeling you get as a text comes through. I'm starting to feel normal again, and it's amazing. This person? Who knows if he'll keep it up, only time can tell, but today made me realise that people can change, and life moves on.

hi there 2010...

this year i'm going to make some resolutions, i never usually bother making them because i know that they won't happen, but this year i am determined to succeed.

1. cut down on smoking. i know it's a bad habit, and i know that in effect i'm killing myself, but it's so tempting, so accessible, so 'let's just have a fag', so not an excuse.


2. excercise more. i need to go swimming, i need to tone up, i need to be healthier, i take it for granted now, but one day if i don't stop eating crap i'm gonna turn into a whale.


3. practise the piano. i find it really sad when i think about the passion i used to have for music, i would spend hours at a keyboard perfecting a piece and spilling my heart in to it. maybe it was the work overload, maybe it was getting a real social life. but these days i'm lucky if i manage an hour at a week. it really has to change.


4. learn that i can't change the decisions i've made. i have a horrible habit of going over and over and over things in my head, thinking 'if only i had done that' what would have happened if..... and it drives me crazy, gets nothing done, and makes me unhappy, so it's about time i stopped doing it!


5. stop running away from things. i seem to have this natural problem where when i feel myself getting in too deep, losing control of a situation that i need to ruin it. then spend the next few months regretting it when really if i'd just manned up, and let myself get in deeper, i'd probably have been so happy in the situations, i'm not gonna let it happen again though. it's a ridiculous habit.

general lols with a bit of a roflcopter?

one day in march last year. i met this guy, i found him inspiring, and unique. i guess i got swept up in that?
we shouldn't be friends. i should hate you. but i don't.

up there is the guy that i can talk to hours for, who knows me so well sometimes i think it's unnatural, but i wouldn't want it any other way. everyone knows the story between us. and even though i know he hates thinking about it, i'm glad it happened, because i learnt alot, and also learnt just how much someone so different from me meant, because it opened my eyes. i think he's truly amazing for what he does, and the amount of will power he has, i sure know i couldn't do it.

i can look back over the past year and smile at all the memories i have with him, the first time i met him by myself i knew he was gonna be special, just because i'd had a netball tournament, smelt, was in trackies, but he still let me flop all over him, and said i have the ass of a goddess. i can never think of 'boum chipalatas' in the same way again, and how he's the only person who can really read me like a book. he made me open up when i was closed off before, he was the reason i feel, and still the only person who noticed i touch my ear when i'm nervous.

i sometimes wish i knew what could've happened, but most of the time i'm just glad that i've found one of the best friends i know i will ever meet and i hope we're friends for a long time. you truly are someone i don't want to lose, i know i take you for granted and i know i'm a total twat to you sometimes, but i only ever do it because i love you.

man up and stop whinging!

i said those words once to someone. and we stopped being friends. it was horrible, i had no one else to turn to for a while, but there was nothing i could do about it. you can't take back what you say, and sometimes it only takes one second to break something that took hours to create.

thankfully, piece by piece, that friendship was saved. and i've never been so thankful for something before. i would sit in the rain for this person, and i could spill my heart out to him. i can laugh myself stupid over attempting to play guitar hero, merking him at fifa and raping me in litle big planet.

i love how i can ring him up and whine down the phone, cry down the phone, shout abuse down the phone. and he'll still listen. i could carry on, and cream him. but he didn't do that to me, so he doesn't get it. all i have to say is i love him. and i don't actually know what i'd do without you anymore?

year summary.

2009.
this year really has been amazing, i've made so many memories, and met so many brilliant people. people that i will never forget, and probably some of the best friends i'll ever make? i also find it funny that the person who's responsible for making half of these memories is completely oblivious to it. and i have alot to thank him for, making me confident, and making me believe that i can be outgoing and won't get set back. thank you. i know i'll never say it in real life. but liquid, i will miss you.

it's been a year of ups and downs. but i've learnt alot. i love how i found myself two groups of friends, who decided they would hate eachother, but i love them both. i love how different they are, but the contrast is fantastic, and the memories are irreplaceable!

was a weird start. i almost lost a bestfriend, but i picked myself up and realised some things are worth fighting for. dan's party. if that hadn't of happened, i'm not really sure where i'd be right now, i don't even want to imagine where i'd be. i couldn't imagine being with'look what i did!'out the people i have. i met someone who really changed the way i looked at things. he opened my eyes to things, made me stop being so judgemental, he melted the ice queen, and i appreciate that...alot.

gobians. haunting in conneticut. northaw park. running away from horses. getting kicked out of roo's house. stealing beer from a tramp. waking up writing all over my body. being high on a trampoline. getting carried like cinderalla. getting the train at half 5 in the morning. playing hide and seek while off my head. 'the owl noise' in case he gets too much. bathrooms. sitting in stefs garden smoking all day. bargain wine. making a fire from jeans. vodka red bull. the den that smelt like shite. getting a mcflurry shoved down me. breaking in to stef's mum's bedroom. walking to northaw at 4 in the morning.....potters bar, i miss you.

these people are the ones i can go crazy with, where i won't get judged because that's just the way it is? i miss them, i let them go, but i want them back, though i'm not entirely sure if that's even possible. i hope it is, because i get a tug at my heart when i think about the times i've had with them all. they are priceless, they're the stories i'm going to look back at, and can safely say 'look what i did!?'

this summer. it was unbelievable. i can only wish that my next one is like that! felix's! i have so many memories in the farrell household. from rolling up at 1 in the morning with a drunk sarah, the back sandwiches in the morning, blind man's bluff, waterfights with bin bags, staying up til 5 in the morning for no real reason, making dan leave the room, ninja cats, getting george-raped, the fairylights in the summer house...you name it, we've done it. these times are something i hope i never ever forget.

london with the boys. two of them calling me a 'common al7 sket' and going around all day arguing about who wanted who more? the others saying 'nigga' in front of a black person. i love them for that though. i also kinda love how they can talk about wanking and tits in front of me, and no one bats an eye lid, makes me laugh.

smoking paracetamol with an absolute idiot of a guy. and finding that this guy was also my male counter-part. that was an eye opening day. strawberry fair. high off my nut. it was an amusing day to say the least. 'let's hug, so we can look normal' a quote that i will never forget.

rythmnssssss! it was such a good day. found some amazing bands, made some new friends, ran for the last train, that wasn't the last train. painted my hair pink and lost a belt. but i give it a thumbs up. underageeeee! the moment where the guy from pigeon detectives climbed up the poles still makes me giggle. falling asleep on david on the way home, that still makes me smile.

it truly was unforgettable.

then i met someone amazing. someone i know i will never forget. i'd never felt like this about someone before. i could write out a list of memories, but they're something i want to keep for me. i'll miss him next year, but i've realised that, that is life. and for some messed up reason that we may not understand everything happens for a reason, and i've got to look forward to the doors that have opened because he's gone.

my party!!!!!! that was such a crazy night. probably the craziest night i've ever had. people jumped my fence, did crack of toilet seat, there were 70 people in my house? 'parents, police, and a pizza man' now that's a story to tell that grandkids.

and now it's 2010. and i have to say farewell. lock everything that happened safely in 2009 and throw away the key. but it's safe to say, you will be missed.