waving the white flag.

So, in life when i look at what i consider the best things to indulge in, are cigarettes, vodka, sex and spaghetti hoops.

I seriously think spaghetti hoops complete me as a person, though only if it's Heinz, otherwise, it would be like rippinng my heart into a thousand pieces.

I'm going to ring my husband in a minute, we went on a break for a while, it didn't work out, turns out we're stuck with eachother for now.

once.

The best film i have ever watched. The best sound track ever written. It really was one of those films where you never look at something the same way again. Plus, anyone with an irish accent, curly hair, and a guitar with a hole in is likely to float my boat.

Just how amazing would it be, if someone came up and shook your hand in the street, and it turned out that touch changed your life forever. It makes you wonder that maybe we do all have a plan? That somewhere there is some divine fate looking after us all. I'm usually pretty cool with the whole 'it just wasn't meant to be' thing, but now i'm gonna leave it all to the fates i think, let's see what happens.

This is what you've waited for, the chance to even up the score, and as these shadows fall on me now, i win somehow.

Shakespeare, Austen, Priestley.

I COULD PUT ALL THREE OF YOU IN A PLASTIC BAG, TIE IT UP, SHOVE IT IN AN INCINERATOR, TAKE THE ASHES AND FEED THEM TO AN ASH-EATING MONSTER, TAKE THE ASH-EATING MONSTERS SHIT, THEN ROCKET YOU OUT TO MARS, SO I NEVER EVER EVER HAVE TO HEAR OF YOU AGAIN.

Well, atleast till next year. You have totally ruined my weekend, i hope you're all bloody happy with yourselves, you literary heroes.

On a happier note, i'm really pleased with how my sixth form interview went, i don't think i've felt this excited about something for a long, long time. I almost want exams to come sooner, so summer comes sooner, so moving away from everything comes sooner?

Yesterday, i wrote down everything i wanted, everything i was feeling onto a scrap of paper, then i burnt it, and it felt strangely good! Then, i found something else, my little cousin, the one person in the world i would hand on heart take a bullet for, had written a letter, it said 'to harry there is a new harry in our school his name is harry love you if you have a gerl frend dump her dump hard and say to her i never want to see you ever agen ok i'm nerely 7 i am haveing a party in the hall and after there is a sleepover in the hall as well you are coming to the party is that ok?'  and then i cried. She wrote this letter two weeks ago, to a boy who left her school over a year ago, and it has proved exactly what i've thought for a long time now, you can never be too young to be in love.

Then, at two in the morning, my other cousins came in as pissed as parrots. Then when we looked at the clock and saw it was coming up to five in morning we couldn't actually we'd just sat there talking for three hours/playing 15 to 1. It's funny how much the smallest conversation can have the biggest impact on you, and i see now see a few things about people that i'd be totally oblivious to before. I also know that i adore my family. 

 

Finally, i've had the best phone call with someone today. Someone i adore just because there is no one else like him, he truly is unique. Part of me is laughing and thinking 'Ha, karma's come to bite yo ass' but most of me just hopes it turns out alright. Miss you berries.

sick.

You're the only person to ever make me feel like this.
I feel, so sick sick sick sick sick sick sick.
Just do it. Pick up the phone, say hello.
FUCKING DO IT.

Sorry everyone, this was more a blog to myself.

what always happens....life

So, what's new with you?
Such a simple question, yet these days i find struggle to answer it. Before i could reel off numerous events that had happened, pointless bits of gossip and romanctic ventures. Now i think 'what actually is new with me?' Nothing. That's the answer. The thing is, i kinda like it. How there is nothing distracting my mind, nothing to consume hours of my time, and i think the most prominent feature is that i'm not tied to any guy. Of course there's the infamous 'liquid guy', but then, i've liked him for so long now that it hardly seems like a distraction. I'm not tied to anyone, except myself and i feel so much better for it.

Someone said 'every time i speak to you, you change just that little bit more, get a little bit more mature'. It's true, i can feel a change. It's gonna sound so stupid, but today i actually went to the doctors and made an appointment, completely by myself. Before, i'd always relied on my parents to do that sorta thing, it had never crossed my mind before that i'd ever have to start doing it myself. Every day it feels more and more like i'm becoming the person that i want to be. It still scares me though, the thought that in a few years time i'm gonna be out in that big bad world, and everything that i take for granted now is gonna be such a huge struggle. Though in some ways, i can't wait to get things started, the anticipation is starting to get too much!

hello again

I find it funny, how i used to have to limit myself to two blogs a day, because i didn't want to look overly keen, and now i struggle to find stuff to write about. Maybe not so much something to write about, but definitely expressing those feelings, because sometimes, you don't want to write down what you feel, because it feels like once you've done that, that feeling becomes reality and you have to deal with it. Sometimes, it's nicer to not admit to yourself that something's wrong, though usually the problem just gets worse. It's just like going around in a circle. However, this time, i've not admitted to myself what was happening, and it did go away. Now i'm feeling probably the happiest i've felt in a long time. Sometimes all it can take is a Friday night in with crisps and dip, catching up with someone you miss, making new friends or spending the day with your family.

I'm not entirely sure what the message is to this blog, i guess it's just that sometimes we can be blind to things that are really in front of our noses. I'm gonna start making an effort with people i think. Though, after exams are out the way, because i am sorry, but Beethoven beats any of you suckers.

kissed me til the morning light.

Do you ever have a conversation with someone, where the other conversations gradually peter out and all your energy is focused on this one thing because you and that person just get on. There's no explanation for it, you just get on. You forget what was, what happened, and it feels like old times. Then something makes you snap back to reality, and you remember it's not your moment to have.

Funny thing life.

too much.

I know i've done some stupid stuff in the past. Surely you know all know that most of that stuff is something i regret. If you were really my 'best friend' you'd pick up on my face dropping every time you mention it. Once, yeah i deserve it. Twice, still funny but i could do without. Three times, you're pushing it too far.

I want so much to change, but it feels like everyone, especially those closest to me are forbidding it to happen. Just because there's no one else who provides entertainment for everyone to whisper about behind my back, or be the butt of everyone's jokes, it doesn't mean that it has to be me anymore. I'm tired of defending myself.

It's probably a good job i have a different group of friends who never judge, who accept everyone as they are. I never thought i'd see the day when i thought those friends were potentially better than the ones i thought would never hurt me.

misconceptions.

I think people's perceptions of eachother are usually so very very different from the truth. Yesterday, the boy who i had written off as a complete fuck up, the one i expected to be still sniffing something up his nose in 20 years time.....is a genius. Countless times i've been told i look like i'm 'stupid', something that gets on my wick i have to say. Then i realised how sometimes the people you've known the longest are the ones you barely know at all.

One person in particular, i've seen them almost everyday for five years now, yet, before this week, i don't think we'd ever really had a proper conversation. Now i'm really glad we have, and i hope it's something that carries on, because it may've only been a glimpse, but you can kinda tell when you somehow stumble upon something quite amazing. Thank you for that, i will forever be your personal prostitute.

This weekend feels like a turning point for some reason. I don't know why, but i feel it could define alot of things. I only hope the things i do choose to do are all worth it in the end. Though one thing i do have to say, is that for some obscure reason, i'm slightly looking forward to maths on Monday?

you think it's worth it.

First point - it has no relevance to what this blog was supposed to be about but it's not because i think people will get offended, as long as you stay respectful everyone is entititled to their own opinion. I think it's the fact, that when you look back at all major conflicts, the majority of them are caused because someone decided that their point of view was better than someone elses, and then 99% of that time, it was due to religion. If people left all the religions alone then and stopped criticising eachother's beliefs and focused on what they felt was the right thing to do, then i genuinely think the world would be a better place. But you're right, i do love R.E, our discussions are quite fabulous.

Second point - it's weird how sometimes the most pointless things are what seems to be worth the most. Up in my wardrobe there is a cupboard box splitting at the edges, full of what appears to be complete and utter junk; if anyone ever threw that junk away, i would possibly kill them. I look forward to looking back in fifty years time, and pulling all of this rubbish out and hoping to remember the fantastic times i had when i was younger, sometimes the most expensive things are the most worthless. If there was a fire, you can burn my DS, and my phone, take the TV if you like, if that box were nothing more than a pile of ashes, i think my heart would break. 

Third point - boys. They are the one thing, i think most girls are willing to sacrifice friends over. They are also perhaps the one thing that is definitely not worth it. So. Here i am. Thinking. I'm going to be one of those girls, i'm going to see if our friendship will still exist after this weekend. I hope so. Though, even if i knew it wouldn't, i think i'd probably still do it anyway. Stupid eh?