nothing really.

I've never ever stopped liking you. It's ridiculous. Messed up. It's a situation you get in films, not frickin' real life.
You've been around way too long now, can't you just fuck off? Get out of my head, i don't want you there anymore.
I was thinking the same thing this time last year. Didn't work then. Won't work now.

Friday Night

Batman, bigshot, when you gave the order
to grow up, then let me loose to wander
leeward, freely through the wild blue yonder
as you liked to say, or ditched me, rather,
in the gutter...well, I turned the corner.
Now I've scotched that 'he was like a father
to me' rumour, sacked it, blown the cover
on that 'he was like an elder brother'
story, let the cat out on that caper
with the married woman, how you took her
downtown on the expenses in the motor.
Holy robin-redbreast-nest-egg-shocker!
Holy roll-me-over-in-the-clover,
I'm not playing ball boy any longer
Batman, now I've doffed that off-the-shoulder
Sherwood-Forest-green-and-scarlet number
for a pair of jeans and crew-neck jumper;
now I'm taller, harder, stronger, older.
Batman, it makes a marvellous picture;
you without a shadow, stewing over
chicken giblets in the pressure cooker,
next to nothing in the walk-in larder,
punching the pain of your hand all winter,
you baby, now I'm the real boy wonder.

Poetry live really opened my eyes to a few things today. First, poetry is truly amazing when you're really reading it, minus the dopey twats that didn't shutup.The thing that interested me the most was the poem Kid, by Simon Armitage. My interpretations were measley in comparison to how deep the true meaning is. It's not merely about Robin shunting Batman, it's about everyone, every single person, who finds themselves trapped. Trapped in a situation, and they're bursting to get out - to find themselves, to be what they truly want to be, to be with who they want to be with, to do what they want to do, but struggling, with the underlying nervousness of what happens when you actually step out and be this person.

I think that's where i am right now. Except there's so many doors and i have no idea which one to take. Whichever one i open is going to mean a few more close, but then there's the reasoning that if i open one of those doors, there could be a whole other set behind it. The trouble is, no one can see through solid wood, and i'm pretty sure i don't have the key either. We're all gonna have to let time tell i guess.

from me, to you.

Okay, i think it's time we got something straight; i do not dislike you, i never have and somehow, i don't think i ever will. I was hurt, i felt bitter, i'll give you that, but there was never a point where i disliked you. Also, you are completely right, i would've done exactly the same thing if i were you, so i don't blame you and you have nothing to apologise for. However despite all this, the only thing i have left to say to you is: thank you. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, it is a huge thank you. I  was suffocating and i didn't realise it. I was upset, truly pulled apart because i made him everything, i'm only glad i've escaped montony. Every single memory i've made this year, most of them being memories i don't ever want to forget - are ones that i wouldn't have made with him being there. This has made me see what really matters, and now i view things in a completely different light. I have my old friends back, along with a new me, and i am so so grateful. You're good together, and i honestly hope you're happy.
I still want to be friends? Let's make that happen.

let's mix things up.

I haven't done a blog for a few days, but i have saved a load in my drafts, just waiting for the 'right time' to post. So i've decided to shake things up and put a few blogs in to one. Oh yes, i am that risky, be prepared for a corker my friends.


me: takes a gulp of rat's wine.
rat: put that back
me: *shakes head*

rat: PUT THAT BACK

me: *spits in glass* happy now?

rat: yes, yes i am. good girl.
That pretty much just defines why i love them all so much, and love them i do. I want to go back to the days of getting chatted up by turkish people and the days where turning up at midnight is considered an early start.

Today, i actually sat down at my piano, and just played. I wasn't entirely aware of what it was i was playing, some of it sounded good, but most of it sounded bad to be perfectly honest. It wasn't what it sounded like that was of interest, it was the fact that whatever it was, however ugly it may be was expressing just how i felt. I wish i was Mozart, he just wrote music. He didn't ever cross one thing out. How amazing would that be? To have so much music in your head, that it came out perfectly, it's like music were his real words. I can't say as though i particularly like his music though. But he is utterly outstanding.


Finally, i watched something truly beautiful today; Natural World. The friendship between a killer whale and a human being is truly remarkable. The whale, called Luna, unfortunately died. I think that was the most touching part, how the locals of this untouched village were actually crying, you could tell they were physically upset. People take so much for granted, everyone wants a new ipod, the latest runway look and enough money to last the weekend. People are forgetting the things that actually matter and it makes me feel quite sad. I know i'm no angel myself, and i feel quite ashamed. I think it's time i just sat back and thought about what it is that i really need.

4 things.

1. I am sorry for the last blog - which will be removed. I love you, but just, sort it out.
2. Ha, things got bad? They really didn't. You gave up, so fuck off with that bullshit.
3. I love the Beatles so much. I'm starting to get into music from a few decades ago, and it is so much better.
4. I'm slowly moving back to my old friends. I've missed them, so much, it's hard to explain. The thing that annoys me the most is that the thing i gave them up for in the first place was never worth it. I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

The thought of the next few months literally scares the shit out of me. The thought of the few months after that - you don't need me to tell you just how amazing that sounds.

it's all a bit surreal.

This morning, i woke up, and for a few seconds i didn't know where i was. I didn't know who's arm was wrapped around me, and i didn't know what i'd done last night. Then it all came back as i stared up to the ceiling.
I was in Northaw. I'd had a good night.
I've also proven that me and him will never ever be just friends, i think we could come back in another two years and be in the same situation. It's just one of those things that never go away, and to be perfectly honest, i quite like it.
I love these people. I love the fact his mum has gone away to the Maldives for a week! Why don't we ever get that in Welwyn? Beer bottles covering every possible table space, cigarette butts overflowing from ashtrays, music so loud the floor shakes, condoms floating around the room and crisp packets scattered like decorations. It's so wrong that i absolutely loved it.

I guess the point of this is that for those few hours, i let go of everything. Nothing existed. There were no exams looming. There was no school in the morning. There were no complications. The only thing we were interested in was having a laugh and fighting over the last 'snout'. No one was gossiping, or bitching. Everyone was taking the piss, while getting pissed. Everything was just simple.
I wish there were more moments like these, where with a few people you're trapped in your own little bubble, the rest of the world just doesn't exist.

These moments should be treasured.

topical storm

'If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it's yours to love forever. If it doesn't, it never was.'
It turns out trashy romance novels do have a small grain of truth about them. I like that quote.

I love how well my mother knows me. I love how i have now come to the point where i can tell her anything...almost, and she will always be there with a wise word.
'Please don't get too drunk and do something stupid, Tilly, make sure she doesn't do anything stupid?'
'I'll try my hardest, but it's a bit like catching a hurricane!'

It's true. Don't get in my way, because i will destroy whatever's in my path. I was proud of myself last night. How for a split second, the room locked eyes and feared they'd be subjected to the wrath of a typhoon, i thought for that second it was gonna break loose as well - but it didn't. To most people that would seem very trivial, to manage control temper, but for me, that is huge. Everything this week has made me realise just how much life will never stop moving, you can't run away from growing up.

oh, isn't it romantic?

Don't you find it amusing, how in every romantic film, you can almost guarantee there will be a kiss in the rain. There's that moment where two of the most beautiful people in the world, with the dazzlingly perfect skin, sparkling teeth and the witty personality will lock eyes and that'll be it. The world as they know it ends right there, and just as the earth stops turning, the thunder cracks and the heavens open to welcome this oh-so perfect love into the embrace of cloudburst?

Well i can tell you what, i spent years waiting to get kissed in the rain.........and it was shit. Thanks for that Hollywood.

stepping in the danger zone.

i think you and your stupid make-up suxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
with love schweetheart.

I don't cream him, but i don't even care this is two blogs in a row. I do not know what i'd do without you, you were the only one who told me no. That means something.

So, topic of discussion today; is going back over past flings a good idea?
If you ever once had feelings for someone, does that mean that you can never be; just friends? Over the past two years i've had a fair share of romances, yet still i can only say that i'm 'just friends' with one of these guys. I find it ironic that he was the one i was sposed to fall hardest for, so i begin to wonder just how much of those feelings were actually real? Someone else, who i probably fell for just as hard, something that happened two years ago, there is still something there. I know that we could never be merely friends because there's always gonna be that soft spot, something that will probably last forever?Likewise, something that happened more than two years ago, is coming back around this week. Why is it that something that happened so long ago is still active. There are still feelings there after such a long time! Will those feelings ever go away?


Maybe the true test of how deep your feelings are comes from what happens afterwards. Maybe the fact i can be the elusive 'just friends' means that the feelings were superficial. Maybe the fact that i don't want anything to do with the person who should mean the most shows that there was something wrong anyway? Or maybe it's just that if someone hurts you enough you can never let them back in? The flings that lasted a month at the most always seem to keep returning though, perhaps it's because they were never complete, there's still unfinished business, or maybe it's because everything that was felt was intense and condensed into such a short space of time that it's still got energy left to stand the test of time?
Though, going over old ground is probably a mistake, after all there's always a reason why someone is an ex? There is a reason why that romance only lasted a month. Sometimes it's better to ignore reality.

wish #1

I would appreciate it if you shut the fuck up.
I never liked you for a reason and now it's all too clear.

On the other hand;
Me: What shall we do tomorrow?
David: Cinema?
Me: No, people will think we're going out
David: But we are going out!
Me: I totally forgot, omg i'm so sorry, what was i thinking!
David: Yeah you absolute dick.

I have so much love for him, it's unreal. I think i'd much rather spend my day with my bestfriend, someone i will probably be friends with for years to come, who knows me better than most people, than a boyfriend. A boyfriend is someone that is a blip on your life, just one mistake that in the end you will count to make a whole load of mistakes. My bestfriend however is someone i will remember forever, so i'm happy to say that ^^^^ is my special someone.

it's all in the stars?

Life moves on. Time cures everything. Replaced.....never.

I am really happy right now, i like how i can avoid the drama now. I used to attract it, like i was north and the drama was south. It was impossible to avoid, it just loved me! Now it's like the magnetic fields have had a little shift, i don't avoid it completely, now it just seems i deal with the drama? Or keep it a secret? It feels nice to just enjoy myself, and not to worry, not to get caught up in things because they literally mean; nothing.

I recently looked at a horocscope that in the past has always been quite accurate, i mean it is the Times Online, you don't get much more reliable than that, surely? So, you see, my stars said 'certain ventures involving people you care about haven't gone well. Give these a final push'.

No.
I will not do it Times Online. How do you feel now?

biting my lip with an evil smile.

One thing i like about myself is that i am an upfront bitch. I know that sounds like a strange thing to like, but i think 99% of the people i know, are in fact bitches themselves, except about 50% of those people choose to hide it. In my humble opinion this makes them bigger bitches than me, because what i am, is honest. If someone has been saying something about me, i won't be two faced and grumble behind their back, naaaaa, i will just go up to them, and ask them about it, if it starts an argument; who cares, the chances are i can get harsher than them anyway. If i don't like what someone does, i'm not gonna pipe down about it, naaaaa, i'll tell them. Except for this one thing. I would love to tell you about how much i dislike this, about how much i want it to stop. The annoying thing is, in a situation where i want to do it the most; i can't.

I think the nice people, with stupid grin and eager eyes are the worst ones, because secretly they're only waiting for a chance to pounce. These are the people who will stab you in the back with a smile on their face.

Therefore i have decided, that in the grand scheme of things, i am no longer a bitch! Oh i do love logic.

you look so happy.

we were so happy. we were so right. i'm so angry at you.

It's annoying how one picture can bring back everything. I love how one song can sum up every emotion you are feeling.
The tape has well and truly come away. However i will still smile, i will cry over writing weird things on a friends msn and making stupid accents in physics. That's what life is all about.

On the plus side, i have found my french folder. Life is good?

tuesday night is wine night?

In assembly this morning, i realised the irrelevance of everything. How can i be crying over what i cry over when there are people out there who have just lost every single possession they have. They don't have homes because their homes were destroyed and all is left is rubble and the chances of them dying in the next few days is extremely possible.


I have decided i will not get upset over stupid things, i will work my hardest to make sure that i get good grades so i can have a rollicking good summer, but this will all start with a Tuesday night......of wine. I love life, i really do. It can throw some shit at you, but i've thought that before, and then realised that there's always something better around the corner.

I know it's stupid but watching Grey's Anatomy has made me want to be a doctor. I've always known i want to do something with science, it was zoology but change of plan. Not just a doctor that sits in their practise room and deals with flatulence. naaaaaaa mate. I want to be out there when these disasters strike, pulling people from the rubble. Or maybe i want to be there shouting at a parliament building for the planned deforestation. I CAN'T MAKE UP MY MIND. I want to make a difference. Somehow.

my tin would like some milk.

Fuck valentine's day. It's bloody Chinese new year. I intend to go out dressed as a dragon.

Dear Emily,
Stop living in the past. You're friends from a year ago are gone, you will not get them back. They are the funniest people you know, but they will all probably fuck up at some point. So it's okay. Don't forget them though. They made you who you are today.
She is pathetic, so laugh at her patheticness. Then laugh at how your mother said she looks like a duck. Then laugh at how she also said you're incest. Laugh again at how pathetic she is and feel a bit better about yourself.
Don't do naughty things, they either make you sick or feel extremely guilty.
Stick with your family, because one thing that stays true throughout is that they will not leave you. You are in fact stuck with them til the day you die. So look forward to babysitting, look forward to making cakes with your nan, look forward to Lucy coming in at one in the morning and talking to you about sex. My family are bloody class, i'll tell you that.
Do your work or i may shoot your foot off.
And finally, that childhood friend, who knows where it's going love?

let's do it. let's get the shit kicked out of us by love.

I can feel the tape about to come away again. something i spent so long trying to put back together, piece by piece. Like it never got broken in the first place and you can barely see the faults. Except, the glue's run out.

I honestly don't know how much more this i can take. Way to kick a dog while it's down.

wasting all my words on you.

'there's no school like the old school - and i'm the fucking headmaster'

I have come to the understand why me and a person i 'hate' cannot be friends. This conclusion also means that i cannot be friends with someone else for exactly the same reason. It sucks, because it's usually something that does not go away. I was willing to put in the effort and try, because you asked, then you turned around and were just plain rude. You coulda been the bloody queen and i still would've thought that it was rude. One thing i do not appreciate is a lack of manners. So i will not be wasting anymore of my time on you.

It's okay because i don't twang anymore. It's just disappeared.

I'm so sick and tired of people judging me, it's not like a care, because your comments will not stop me from doing what i do. They won't stop me smoking, they won't stop me drinking or bunning, and i can guarantee it will not stop me from getting my kicks. One thing i think would be nice is to stop making it your business, if that's what i want to do then that's my problem. The next person that makes one comment will not know what's hit them. Comprend?

Think before you drink, before you drive me mad.

it's in the genes?

oui? non? c'est possible?
Not many people know i have a brother and a sister. My sister is lovely, beautiful and successful. There's a small part of drip in her though, and sometimes i want to shake her and tell her it'd all be so much better if she just let herself go. I don't think i'm much like her, but i still love her.
My brother on the other hand; we are very much descended from my dad. Honestly, i don't think that's a good thing, but my god, it sure is alot of fun. I see him rarely, but he rings me monthly. Every time he rings we will speak for hours. I tell him things even the closest of friends don't know. I sometimes think seeing someone little makes a relationship stronger. Two of my other closest friends; one i've met three times and the other lives in Mexico. Slightly ironic maybe?
So next week i'm going on a rare visit to see my brother, we're going to go to Starbucks, feed the swans, sit in his living room smoking Marlboro and play poker while eating ham and cheese toasties.

Half term:
Party x2
Night with the girls at ask.
Valentines day with my 'husband' ;)
18th birthday party.
Seeing my brother.
Spending a few nights in Cambridge with an old friend.
Party at mine.

It's official. I'm excited for half term!

the english underworld.

lock, stock and two smoking barrels, rocknrolla, snatch, layer cake, i would probably choose these films over any romcom you could throw at me. I seriously worry myself about the fact that i find a junkie crackhead, a Russian war criminal covered in blood and a pikey that is impossible to understand SO much more attractive than pretty much anyone else? I like tattoos, and ripped bodies, and that sense of possible danger so much more attractive than someone in a suit sitting on his millions with every thing he could ever want at his fingertips. Crazy maybe?

I think this may also be due to the fact that i would never ever choose a job with money over a job i love. I would much rather be living in somewhere shabby, never long in one place, never really knowing what it is i'll be doing than have the security of a nice house, superficial husband with his bit on the side and spending my life as a soccer mum. No thank you.

i got drunk. then high. then sick.

Well i will consider that a lesson seriously well learnt.
Thank you, thank you to maggie, nickoo, tilly and jake. Seriously do not know what i would've done without you there - probably curled up and fallen asleep in my pile of sick. Delicious.
I owe you so much, i'll try and make it up to you somehow. I promise.

riverside muffafunka?

That is a tune and a half.
Mr Kench said so, therefore it must be true. Me and my mother like to dance to it in the car on the way to the school, because we are funky and hip like that.

I just wrote my first actual proper letter for the first time in about 5 years? It was so lovely. With my fountain pen, that i adore and a notebook full of perfectly margined, pristine paper just waiting for words. This person is someone who has known me since the day i was born, barely before i could walk they had hoisted me into the back of a fully grown Irish Cobb, they instilled my love of books and the deep and passionate affair i have with the chronicles of Narnia. They bought me my Tiffany necklace, and every year, i am the only person he will buy a Christmas present for. To be perfectly honest, i feel rather honoured.

This is the part of me that is grateful that for the first 10 years or so of my life my parents were extreme socialists, i was constantly surrounded by people about 40 years older than i was, the only way to survive in this game was to step up and get involved. I now know that if i ever go anywhere near the Two Brewers pub i will have someone there to welcome me with a smile, buy me a beer, chat to, because they are actually genuinely interested in what i am going to make of myself, and have said on many occasion they find it fascinating to have seen me transform from the person they once saw in a baby grow, to the young girl i am today?
I also know that all the money they have is probably not legitimate, they may speak with posh accents, but they all carry guns in the boot of their car. Therefore, as they have mentioned to me pretty much every time they see me; they will lynch anyone that hurts me.
Maybe i should inform a few people of this fact.

GAD.

the only thing i miss about you is the fact i am now seriously sexually frustrated.

lack of sex makes you cranky. true story.

gone, gone, gone.

You've gone.
The boat sailed and i went back for luggage.
I didn't even find what i went back to look for anyway.
Stupid ignorant girl.
This is a mistake i will truly live to regret, i can feel it.
Even my dad likes you. He never liked your predecessor, you should trust your parents; they know best it seems.

On a brighter note, i realised today how much i'm gonna miss music lessons. Sitting in C2, on 'sibelius', although being on blogspot and finding the sneaky way to log on to msn. Bullying tanya, so much that she has to leave the room, though it's not actually bullying, its staring at her and make sex faces. I spend pretty much all of these lessons in tears of laughter! Me and Chloe know, deep down, she bloody loves it. I'm gonna bloody miss it.

oh jeeves.

I think i've cracked this mighty algebraic equation that has been praying on my mind for a while now. You filthy bugger, you thought you had the best of me, but i've got you now.
We never got on because we were never meant to, because this whole time you were just waiting for the moment where you could spring up on me with your x, y, z's and get me in a right muddle. You clever clever equation. I cracked you though, do you feel like a fucking high five?

I do apologise meerkat. The metaphor was needed.

never ruin an apology with an excuse.

don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. don't go. please, please don't go. please turn around get your ass back into 6th form and don't go.

haa, what a beg. but when you finally realise what your priorities are, it all makes sense. i spent the night doing my geography coursework. i spent the night thinking of questions fo an interview, because that's important.
i also realised how a relationship with someone means nothing over a relationship you never had. i'm so so sorry for what i did. i didn't like you because you adored me? i'm not being big headed, you said it yourself, you said you fell hard. and i just kinda looked at you there on the ground and stepped over you, i didn't even offer a hand up. and now you're joining the army? and you're going, and when i realised this was for real i couldn't help but burst in to tears.
you're not a 'if only i'd done this, then we'd be together' you're a 'you stupid, stupid girl. look what you threw away'. things like you are the real mistakes, simply because, at the time, i didn't know i was making it? i should've listened to everyone else. they all saw what a mess i was making of things.

don't go. i want a chance to make this right.

my *'s meant hate, sweetheart.

i **** you.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL.
K. KL. WNKRRR.
I love new people. They make me happy. Mr H, i am so greatful to you for saying that, even though you call me babe and say you hate me about every five minutes.

Today, i looked at my hand, and saw a soft pink colouring that was once a deep red gash, full of fluff and pouring with blood. I think it's a miraculous thing that in less than a week i have new skin. Time, it only takes time. Just like everything else.

This week i have come to realise something else pretty amazing too. I'm not sure if it's real yet, but it's a very bizarre feeling, one i thought that would never ever exist. Hmmm, there's a surprise around ever corner. Let's see where this one takes us kiddies.