wanting to be something else?

anything but myself.
i don't know what i want to do with myself. cry with laughter, or cry with pain. there's so much i wish i could take back, so many mistakes i wish i could erase. but tonight was a defining moment. it's time to pack up and leave. tonight i realised just how much some people mean to me, and how little others can mean. you were my mountain. you were my sea. i made you so much, and i didn't even realise it; until you left. now you're no longer my mountain, and definitely not me sea. i may wish you were, but god doesn't exist, and neither do fairies and all those other crack heads that may try and make my life so amazing, so no amount of wishing or praying or just general hoping is gonna change a thing. so deal with it bitch.

i think now, i realise that i don't belong with someone. i was so emily gardiner. i was so the girl that would be in the middle of everything just having a good old party, not giving a shit what anyone thought, i didn't think twice about the consequences, to me it was all just a bloody good laugh. tonight i caught a bit of the old me. and my god, i've missed it. i've missed what i was, i was so carefree and spirited; nothing could break me. i gave that all up for you, and look where it got me. i'm not going to get into a relationship for a long time, you may think that it's the happiest time, but tbh, we all know that's a load of bullshit. the hurt afterwards is never ever worth it. not yet anyway. no one is going to make me feel like i'm nothing. ever again.

so, so what? i'm still a rockstar, i got my rock moves, and i certainly don't need you. have fun. cunts.

cunt* is the best word in the english language. i'm not gonna lie there. i love you language maker.